Review: Walk All Over Me (2007) [Reviewed By Clifford Kiyabu]

Directed by: Robert Cuffley
Written by: Robert Cuffley (screenplay) and Jason Long (screenplay)
Genre: Crime\Drama\Thriller
MPAA: Rated R for language, some violence and sexual material
Released: (2007)
Starring: Leelee Sobieski, Tricia Helfer, Lothaire Bluteau, Michael Eklund, Michael Adamthwaite, Jacob Tierney.

Plot: A small town girl runs into big time trouble as she takes on her roommates identity as a dominatrix to pay the bills

Review: 6/10

My Thoughts: BDSM, a form of kinky sex in which one person rules over another or others, as a master, in short some people crave to dominate while others want to be dominated, in most part, a female will dominate over the male counterpart as a “Dominatrix” and by disciplining and humiliating the male into complete submission, this form of kinky sex is often depicted as taboo in the public’s eye due to its content of violence being done from one person onto another. I try not to have an opinion on the matter because I believe what people do in the bedroom is their own business, and as long as all parties are fully consenting to the act than it should be completely okay. Well with the film Walk All Over Me (2007) it tries to bring a sort of lighter side to S&M sex, however it can’t really be called S&M per se and it's not intentionally erotic at all really, it more or less a comedy about role playing and mind controlling while dealing with S&M in a dark comedy form. The film shows much promise from the very beginning and continues to shine through and through, well that is of course until you hit around the midpoint of the film where it starts to take a rather corny and predictable approach to certain matters which have already been done in many different films making it very unoriginal.

From here the film does however still manages to pick itself up but still leave the viewer somewhat disappointed, I mean I sis enjoy myself, but there was just something missing from the film, it lacked heart in many ways, in a movie we are usually made to love or hate the main characters of the film, however in this movie you don’t really feel anything for them, for one thing we are made to feel sad for Leelee Sobieski’s character ‘Alberta’, how can one feel one bit of sympathy for this character when in the very beginning of the film she runs away from her hometown because she forgot to give to deliver the money her Boyfriends give her to pay back some men, and by forgetting she runs away leaving him to pay for her mistake?

Overall the characters in this film are shallow and lack any chance to give them a single ounce sympathy, like I said, it lacks heart. The film begins with much ambition but never quite comes through in the end leaving many things unanswered and much holes in the plot, the film is so mediocre that by the time you reach the end of the film you’ll already begin to forget some of the key elements to the film, which is very much a negative in my belief as a film critic, a good film will remain with you for days after viewing, and if it’s really good then it will stay with you forever. But aside from all the negativity I’ve been giving the film I will say that it has its moments where you can’t feel hope for the film and start to get into it, but like I said it is only hope, also the film does have a few good laughs in it, which in some odd degree is the only real parts I can honestly say I enjoyed. Aside from that the film is very moderate and nothing that will WOW you.

The story is about, Alberta (Sobieski) a young naive girl who works as a convenient store clerk, after her boyfriend gives her the smallest task as to give her boss the money that is owed to him (this part of the story is never explained) she screws up and losses the money, terrified at what she had just done she runs away to Vancouver to her friend who also babysit her as a child. Celene (Helfer), to her surprise she finds out that her once babysitter is now a full time Dominatrix who gets paid well. Now living with her she tries to make it on her own as a cashier at a grocery store, as she tries to pay back her roommate for taking her in, she begins to find it’s not as easy as she thought it would be living in the big city, out of ideas she turns to desperation and pretends to be her roommate Celene for a young guy who is new to the whole domination thing, at first it seems harmless but what Alberta will soon find out his the young man is in a bit of problem with the wrong crowd who believes he stole half a million dollars from them, now she is stuck with more problems than she had to begin with, and not so sure how to fix it all.

As for the acting: Leelee Sobieski was very disappointing, she has been acting for a very long time, heck since she was a kid, we all remember her outstanding performance at age 15 in Deep Impact and was even fairly enjoyable in Joy Ride, as an actress she showed great potential, however it sadden me to see all that I saw was possible in the past, was not visibly showing in this film, I found her performance to be somewhat dry and a little forced on many occasions, it seems as though she was unsure of herself in the part, which I would have accepted since she is playing a young naive girl, but the thing is even after she as they say Mans up to the situation and becomes a strong Dominatrix like her roommate, she clearly shows the unsureness on her face which just didn’t have at the slightest bit convinced. As for Tricia Helfer, she did surprisingly well, I must admit she really did a fantastic performance, she also matched the part of playing a Dominatrix, you could say she dominated it! [Laughs]. As for Lothaire Bluteau who plays the bad guy “Rene” he did an okay job, but it’s certainly nothing that I could say would make him a memorable villain, just like the film his performance was quite mediocre. As for Michael Eklund, his proformance came on a bit too strong and ended up feeling quite fake, I was not feeling the energy he was giving off on screen as the out of control henchman. Jacob Tierney’s performance was rather cheesy and somewhat embarrassing to watch, it’s a good thing his character spends most this film unconscious. Otherwise I’d be even more disappointed. Michael Adamthwaite give a pretty good performance, he gives off a natural energy that makes you want to hate him, which is what his role is basically there for.

Finale say: Over all the film was way too soft and on the weak side to what was advertised to me, it was okay, but nowhere near as I thought it was going to be, I feel if the film was sold to its audience another why it could have been a more enjoyable film and maybe a funner time viewing. Perhaps one day I’ll have second thoughts on the film, but until that day comes I stand by my rating.

TCW
© The Comic Whore 2008

Review: Youth Without Youth (2007) [Reviewed By Clifford Kiyabu]

Directed by: Francis Ford Coppola
Written by: Francis Ford Coppola (screenplay) Mircea Eliade (novella)
Genre: Drama \ Romance \ Thriller
MPAA: Rated R for some sexuality, nudity and a brief disturbing image.
Released: 14 December 2007
Starring: Tim Roth, Alexandra Maria Lara, Bruno Ganz, André Hennicke, Marcel Iures, Adrian Pintea, Alexandra Pirici, Florin Piersic Jr., Zoltan Butuc, Adriana Titieni.

Plot: A love story wrapped in a mystery. Set in Europe before WWII, a timid professor is changed by a cataclysmic event and explores the mysteries of life.

Review: 8/10

My Thoughts: Master filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola has bought us such magnificent films throughout the years, such films as; The Godfather (1972), The Godfather: Part II (1974), Apocalypse Now (1979), The Godfather: Part III (1990), and Dracula (1992). With such wonders as these he has proven to be a remarkable filmmaker, an artist of the arts some would say, but that not to say he’s a perfect filmmaker, after all he also has some real downers in his career, but none of which can out shine his brilliance in movie making, with that said it had really sadden me to see that it has been nearly ten years since his last film (The Rainmaker (1997)) with him in the director’s seat, that is of course until I saw a little known film called Youth Without Youth (2007), a film that was in a very limited release in the US, and was not given the respect it should have gotten from the industry, the film is a very beautiful and remarkable film with a plot which carries depth within depth, and will have you loving every moment of it.

But I must warn you it is not for everyone, the film’s big massage deals greatly on Nietzsche philosophy, and some will have a hard time to bare with it because of that, but if you are like me a very open-minded critic to the mysteries of our world; then you will not have a single problem with it at all, in fact you will quite enjoy it as I did. The film deals with the choices we make in life and the time we have left to deal with it, but unlike your average film, this one has a twist to filled with mystery that will never quite fully be explained, not to mention it is so incredibly romantic, now before you say anything, YES I love romantic films, I feel that romance in all forms is a beautiful thing between us as human beings, from words we express, to the body language we give off, rightdown to our very touch, romance is one of the few things that we has humans have experienced throughout history, it connects us to past and present and will so forth into the future, romance holds within itself love, hate, strength and weakness, security and insecurity in such a way that it's beyond our comprehension, that is why I love romance.

As for the romance in this story, it certainly doesn’t play a big role, however it does play a role in it, and it is both beautiful and greatly depressing, some could say it’s paying homage to a William Shakespeare play; filled with so much hopes and dreams but in the end it remains as what it was always meant to be, undeniably tragic, a bittersweet ending you could say, and most of all the cinematography as well as the editing was outstanding, a real eye opener for me, as I loved every minute of it, not to mention the score which was breath taking in such a way it only help add to making this film great. Overall ten years was well worth the wait, I can’t wait to see what Mr. Coppola come up with next!

The story takes place in Romania with a 70 year old man named Dominic Matei (Roth) professor of language and philosophy in the year 1938, contemplates suicide: after the love of his life is dead, and he remains unable to complete his life's work on the origins of language, on the day he is about to kill himself (Easter Sunday) he is struck dead on by lightning and should have died from it, but instead heals quite fast of someone at his age, but to his surprise as well as the doctors who nursed him back to good help, they find out he is no longer the 70 year old man he was before the attack, but now a man in his early 40’s, shocked by this the doctors help hind his from the invading Nazis who have learned of this, as Dominic travels Europe over the years under new various identity he slowly comes to understanding his new found gifts, like the ability to absorb knowledge with a single touch, now some years later, he meets a young woman who has her own passage through a lightning storm and suffers the same fate. Not only does Dominic find love again, but her new abilities hold the key to his research, but the longer he remains with her the faster she ages, he must choose between finishing his work along side her and continue the love they have, or save her by leaving. Is the sweetness of life finally at hand?

As for the acting; Tim Roth was fantastic, he really shows off his talent in this one, he not only plays the character, he becomes the character and does so in such a manner that we forget that he is an actor and not the man he’s playing on screen, most people who enjoy his talented skills know him for his best work is such films like; Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs, as an actor he gives an energetic charge to just about every film that he’s in, even if the film may or may not suck it still have the part of it that remains excellent. Alexandra Maria Lara was great! I loved her acting in this; both she and Roth share a great on screen chemistry together, Alexandra Pirici was amazingly beautiful; her acting is as outstanding as her beauty which one cannot deny is breath taking all on itself. André Hennicke did a great job playing the part of Josef Rudolf, the Nazi scientist who is hunting Dominic down for studying. Bruno Ganz was fantastic even though he has a sort time on screen. Marcel Iures was also great, he makes another great name added to the cast, his profomace was done spot on. I loved his acting in Goal!, and just the same in this fine film. As for the rest of all the other actors, even though they have much smaller roles in this compared to the ones listed above, they all did their job fantastically. Also I should notify you to look out for a cameo by actor Matt Damon I won’t say where, just look out for him.

Finale say: Youth Without Youth is a profound film which probably won’t ever get the respect or appreciated by a wide audience that it so greatly deserves, because it’s the type of literature that is very special and restrictive (you’ll need to understand Romanian folklore or oriental philosophies in order to get into this type of film or at least be open minded to it). and I will andmit it has some plot holes, however it doesn't ruin the film one bit. Over all I really loved this film and will much like to give this another go around someday. I highly recommend it!

TCW
© The Comic Whore 2008

Review: Frontier(s) (2007) [Reviewed By Kelsey Zukowski]

Starring: Karina Testa, Patrick Ligardes, Samuel Le Bihan, Amélie Daure, Joël Lefrançois, Jean-Pierre Jorris, Estelle Lefébure, David Saracino, Aurelien Wiik, Maud Forget
Written & Directed By: Xavier Gens
Released: 2007
Grade: A+

Frontier(s)is a French horror film that takes the lead of films of grotesque horror, but uses more thought to construct meaning and purpose in the film than many gore fests usually do. It uses the severity of the torture the characters are forced to deal with to expose the insanity that is very much alive in the world.

The film takes place inside the slums of France in a time where there were constant riots against the government, especially regarding the presidential election. It centers on a group of teens who in attempts to make it by, pull off a robbery. Yasmine (Testa) has gotten stuck in the middle of this since her brother and her ex-boyfriend are both paranoid that the other is going to turn on them. Yasmine demands that they take him to the hospital. Even though they do this knowing the risk of getting tracked down it isn’t enough to save his life. Forced to leave her dying boyfriend, Yasmine is chased by governmental authorities for being a part of the robbery. Four of the teens are left, two in each car, attempting to get away. They plan on meeting each other at a hostel in a less urban area in hopes of getting to the border.

They find what seems to be a nice place to stay especially when two young ladies that work there, Gilberte (Lefébure) and Klaudia (Daure) hit on the two boys and end up having sex with them. This ends up being a deadly mistake on their part though. After this happens the brothers of these ladies, Karl (Ligardes) and Goetz (Bihan) go after them, making them pay for “taking advantage” of their sisters. When Yasmine and her brother arrive there, their friends are no longer around as they are desperately trying to find a way out of the hell that they find themselves in. Gilberte takes the new arrivals where she claims their friends have gone. However, when they get there, they become trapped in a center of torture, surrounded with dead bodies hanging everywhere. They are immediately attacked and if anyone is going to survive this, it is Yasmine, there is little hope for anyone else at this point. Even if she does live though, she might have a very grim life. This family that owns this hostel are very deranged neo-natzis. They want to keep Yasmine to be Karl’s wife, and to take her baby to be Karl’s and the future of the family, keeping the head of the family’s ideals alive. This leaves Yasmine to be a lifelong prisoner of this man who brutally tortured and killed her own flesh and blood, a sentence that won’t end with her, but will continue on with her child.

Karina Testa gave an intense and invigorating performance as Yasmine. There is such a growth in her character that has to go through so many horrors on very many levels. Her strength is relentless and even when she doesn’t say a word the communication is there, helping us feel just a fraction of the pain she does. Jean-Pierre Jorris plays the head of the house and really demonstrates in a mind boggling way just how harmful an urge for dominance and perfection can be. Maud Forget gave a great performance. She gave a very creepy and chilly vibe at first, but then we see that she really isn’t as horrid as some of her family is. She even tries to help Yasmine, but refuses to be set free herself all because of her loyalty to her children.

The setting of Frontier(s) exposes what a crazy world we are living in. With all the bad there is such a small hope for good, that by bringing a child in to this place all you are really doing is setting them up for constant hardships where morality is no longer prevalent. Even before the torture occurs, there is a definite questioning of how anything good can keep any purity, where there seems to be inescapable troubles everywhere you look. Family is a major subject dealt with here. Most of the teens have lost majority of their families, and this lack of support in addition to their lack of faith in the government has them turning to stealing just to get by. Even the brother and sister, only have each other, which is a bond that is quickly destroyed.

The most interesting family unit is the neo-nazi family, partially because of their slanted beliefs, but also because deep down they show tendencies and emotions that aren’t as different from the norm than you might think. The constant talk of the “perfect race” is part of the father’s cruelty and reason why the family is so dysfunctional. Murders are committed by them for two reasons: the first being to find a woman who can serve the new head of the house and produce a perfect race baby, and the second, to satisfy their hunger for power. Where the family shows hints of normalcy is through the favoring of the son, Karl. The father claims that he is the only worthy one in the entire family and now each and every one of them has to listen to and complete his every command as if they were his army of servants. Sibling rivalry comes in to play through feelings of unjustly being treated like inferiors. It is family where superiority is everything. Those who are thought to be inadequate have served their long and hard sentences, killing for their father time and time again. Eva wasn’t even born in to this madness but abides by it in hope that if she does her birth parents will return to her. Her strong belief in them is partially why she stays there, in hopes to see them, but also to be there for her children like she thinks her parents will be some day for her. The father thought her children to be unsuitable since they didn’t fit in to his idea of perfect. They are forced to live in the mine like animals, where Eva visits them. Living in these conditions is what she must do, and she does it without hesitation.

Authoritative governmental stances are heavily criticized in the film. Neo-nazi's ideals are shown obviously through the beliefs of the characters and how harmful it is even for the family themselves who practice them. Also shown are the riots in France that took place in the country in 2005. It puts what happens in the film in to great context. The Neo-nazis are a representation of the French government. This choice was obvious with their idea of perfection needing to be dominant and with the French government’s lack of tolerance or very many rights of equality or freedom of expression. There was a fear of police brutality especially given the anarchic state that was present and the neo-nazis are the ones who end up handing out that brutality on their behalf in the way of torture and imprisonment. It’s as if they are all on the same team. If one doesn’t get you the other will. When the characters find themselves fleeing from one of them they end up in the mercy of the other. Showing that there is no way out.

Frontier(s) is so many things in one brilliant horror film. It takes a dangerous state in France, directly deriving from the reality there in 2005, in to a very intelligent commentary on the subject. By using such intense proportions of gore and intensity it puts in to perspective the severity of what went on and how threatening the government had been to the French’s previous way of life. It does this so much so that it almost redefines what life means to these people, taking away all of the goodness that it should imply. Inside of all of this are very complex and interesting characters, gruesome kills, high levels of tension, and a strength not just through the characters but through the film. The spot on writing along with everything else the film has going for it brings out a promising future for horror. With so many remakes, sequels, and copy cats in the American mainstream, Frontier(s) is very refreshing, as not only an excellent and innovative horror film, but as one that actually has something to say. Usually we get one or the other. Either it’s thought provoking and symbolic or it is a fun gory bloody slasher. Frontier(s) is the perfect example of showing us that both of these are important. Most would doubt the importance of blood and twisted kills to spread a message, but it portrays the film’s motives completely. We are shown that horror is a genre that can do good, even going beyond a viewing of the film, producing a bond and vital energy that we should feel whenever a movie is done right as the brilliant Frontier(s) certainly is.

Review: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) [Reviewed By Clifford Kiyabu]

Directed by: Steven Spielberg
Written by: David Koepp (screenplay) George Lucas (story) and Jeff Nathanson (story)
Genre: Action / Adventure
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for adventure violence and scary images.
Released: 22 May 2008 (USA)
Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Karen Allen, Shia LaBeouf, Ray Winstone, John Hurt, Jim Broadbent, Igor Jijikine, Dimitri Diatchenko, Ilia Volokh, Emmanuel Todorov, Pavel Lychnikoff.

Plot: Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones is called back into action when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

Review: 8/10

My Thoughts: 1981 the year two great filmmakers of our time came together with an idea in mind, mixing that idea with a talented actor and what was brought to life was something that can only be described as brilliance in its purest form, the film I talk about is none other than “Raiders of the Lost Ark” a film that mixes pulse pounding suspense with none stop action and adventure, and before you could say huh you was give a bit of comedy that loosened the mood a little. Some have said it wasn’t possible to replicate such greatness, and then came the year of 1984; and again we are thrown back into the lion’s den with “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” a Prequel that may not live up the full potential that was Raiders, but still manage to serve up a decent amount of action mixed with chills and humor, which made it a fine addition to the awesomeness that was Indiana Jones, and then alas came the year of 1989. The year we saw our hero ride his last adventure in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” here is where it was all over for fans everywhere, much like the Ark of the Covenant, our hero would be boxed away by the filmmakers and labeled “TOP SECRET” never to be seen again by the likes of you and me, or so we thought. It has been nearly two decades since our wool felt hat wearing wipe cracking hero has been seen by moviegoers alike!, some say that an aged Indy (65) wouldn’t be able to preformed properly like he use to, but Mr. Ford shows everyone age is not a factor as he retunes to take on the mantle of Indy once again, but this time instead of fighting Nazi Germany.

He takes on the might of Communist Russia, instead of facing off against the occult, he up against KGB operatives looking for the Crystal Skulls. Now after watching this film I decided to set down with some fellow moviegoers like myself in private chats to see others points of views on the film what they hated and what they liked, I do this sort of thing from time to time to research what others think about the film and see how their point of view compares up with mine and try to understand theirs as we talk it over, I feel that the only way to fully experience a film is to talk it over with people who also seen it, well what I found was there are those who liked it (Like myself and a few others out there) and then there are those who said it was bad(a pretty big audience so far), I will explain why some may think that. Most say it didn’t live up to its name and it was a complete waste of time and money.

But I will explane why it’s not as bad as some are claiming it to be. People everywhere are saying it didn’t quite carry the same torch as Raiders nor does the KGB live up to the villainess that was the Nazis and the occult, and I completely agree, the Commies don’t live up to the evil presence the Nazis brought on screen, some could say that the Nazis had the natural evilness about them that made us all smile whenever Indy killed one of them in the film. And Commies just don’t have that in this, however they still manage to bring some form of evil presence that still fun to see in some way and of course is does not live up to the greatness that was Raiders, Raiders is just a one of kind film that will never be replicated again so I say instead of trying to compare it to Raiders, just like it for what it is, and to explain the other problems moviegoers are having with this; is the film as a whole SC-FI acting take with UFO’s and government conspiracies and such.

when the other three previous films was based solely on a religious take, thing is the first three films pays homage to the 30’s and 40’s which of course was the War years, and the time of classy films, while the new installment pays homage to the McCarthy era with the ongoing Cold War. So because I didn’t try to compare it with the other and saw it for what it was is probably why I liked it so much, and Yes I will say that the plot is nothing Oscar worthy nor soled, it’s full of holes and the CGI is a bit over used in this as well as a few cheesy scenes that was overly done, but now I must ask, wasn’t that the whole point of the Indy films to begin with, mixing cheesiness with action and adventure with a little hint of chills and thrills that made it all the more worth wild to watch to begin with.

The story is about 19 years after the events in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, our lovable reckless hero Indiana Jones is at it again in another wild adventure, but this time fighting evil Communist during the Cold War. Indiana Jones (Ford) and his partner Mac (Winstone) is abducted by Communist operatives lead by Irina Spalko (Blanchett) and taken to Area 51 where supposedly all the secrets the government is hiding from the world is hidden, while there and being forced to help them find the Crystal Skull he is betrayed by his partner and must fights them off, with a little luck on his side and some smarts he manages to escape with his life, however he must remain on the run trying to figure out just what the commies want with the Crystal Skull, and his mission to do so he comes across a young man who goes by the name Mutt (LaBeouf) who claims his mother Marion (Allen) went missing in shout America and if anything happened to her that Dr. Henry Jones is the man he should go to. Now together the two of them form a team to find the Crystal Skulls and find his mother.

As for the acting; Harrison Ford is back and kicking butt in this new installment of the Indy films, at the ripe age of 65 he manages to pull off some magnificent acting as well as some incredible stunts, YES folks he does all his stunts in this one, and still shows us as old as he is he still has some years left in him. Cate Blanchett does a great job, although her accent may sound a bit fake from time to time she still pulls off the whole main villain thing quite nicely, not to mention she really rocked that hairdo of hers and has a very climatic drive by fight scene with Harrison Ford and Shia LaBeouf that was just awesomeness all around. As for Shia LaBeouf, I really like his acting I think he’s going to be a real somebody with his talent and with all the good jobs he’s been getting lately with Disturbia, Surf's Up, Transformers and the to be realest later this year film Eagle Eye, one cannot deny his is a fantastic actor, now with that said I must say is acting in this was somewhat forced and at times a little fake, which was a bit of a disappointment for me because I’ve grown to like his acting greatly, oh well maybe in the next Indy film he’ll do better.

As for Karen Allen, she was, well bad! Yes. She didn’t do a good job in this at all, which was a big downer because I loved her character out all the female characters in all the Indy films and if I could pick one to return it would have been her because both Harrison Ford and her shared this magic on screen that screamed “destined to be together” but this time around it was like she wasn’t even trying, and her performance was way too predictable and somewhat annoying, however I will say it was nice to see her acting on the big screen again. As for Ray Winstone, he just annoyed the hell out of me from the get go, but then again wasn’t that his job from the beginning/ so you could say he didn’t do too much of a bad job in this one. John Hurt was fantastic, he’s a great actor, but I found in to be somewhat out of place in this film and wished they had given him a much better place in this film or at least write a little more depth into his character. Jim Broadbent also did a great job, and must say he manage to pull off playing a new character introduced into the film which is to replace the late Denholm Elliott’s character Dr. Marcus Brody, who ironically dies some years before the film takes place.

Finale say: I had a fun time watching this, and I will say the film has some problems but none of which ruined the film for me, I will be looking forward for this one on DVD when it does come out and giving it another go around. I highly recommend it.

Copyright 2008 TCWreviews.com
All Rights Reserved

Review: What Happens in Vegas (2008) [Reviewed By Tony-D]

“What Happens in Vegas”
2008
** out of ****
Director: Tom Vaughan
Cast: Ashton Kutcher, Cameron Diaz, Rod Corddry


The good news about “What Happens in Vegas” is that the film isn’t nearly as bad as the trailer (and title) suggests. The bad news? “What Happens in Vegas” still sucks donkey balls, big, chunky, sweaty donkey balls.

Okay, come on. Let’s just admit right now that we actually saw it coming. “What Happens in Vegas” isn’t the least bit impressive. It won’t win any awards anytime soon (though it may win an MTV Movie Award or a Razzie in the future). Who actually thought that the movie was going to be good, and then I will cut the shit out of the person who said “I did” with a sharp blade.

Though I pulled stunts like this before (not since February, but hey, by some of the films I seen, you would have thought that I’ve been doing it for the entire year), “What Happens in Vegas” is actually the least harmful film out of the bunch of films you all tortured me with, which includes “Mad Money,” “Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins,” and “Meet the Spartans.” (Just typing and reading the title of that movie leaves a bad taste in my mouth that gasoline can’t even provide.)

Jack Fuller (Ashton Kutcher) is a Brooklyn boy who can’t seem to finish anything he started, other than sex and annoying the audience. He gets fired by his OWN DAD (Treat Williams, and how messed up is that?) for slacking. Joy McNally (Cameron Diaz) is a fun city girl with dreams of having a great marriage and career, but ever since her boyfriend (Jason Sudeikis) broke up with her in front of all of their closest friends, she hasn’t been herself. Neither of them knows one another, but one night in Vegas turns into a six month-nightmare.

So Jack and his best friend (Rob Corddry) go to the one place that you can forget all of your troubles – Vegas! And they are surprised (and aroused) to be put in the same hotel room as Joy and her best friend. (Lake Bell) (SHIT! I never told you that Joy went to Vegas. Aw well. Are you really surprised?) Anyway, they complain, get penthouse suites, VIP limos and other fun packages, and drinks. Jack and Joy drink and gamble themselves blue in the eye, and wake up the next morning married. After fighting in the casinos like two hungover idiots, Jack puts Joy’s quarter in a slot machine, and wins three million bucks.

But being that it was Joy’s quarter and Jack put it in, and being that they are still married, the judge (Dennis Miller, no other) sentences them to six months “hard-marriage.” This means that Fuller and McNally have to live with each other for six months, plus visits to a marriage counselor. (Queen Latifah) In the end, they both start to realize that they have problems, but they need to work them out in order to get a piece of that money.

Jack Fuller is like the fucking anti-Christ of cinematic characters. It is like they put Ashton Kutcher in a room filled of douchebags and told him to learn from them, then do everything that they did but on camera. This guy does nothing that impresses me the slightest bit. The most Kutcher does for our audience is annoy the living shit out of them. In one scene, he really asks Rob Corddry’s character if a girl party is a trap. Now if these girls are paying more attention to themselves than you, what in the tittie-monster hell do you think?

That being said, Cameron Diaz isn’t much better. Despite her good looks and romantic comedy charm, the only thing that she brings to the character is her awkward expressions in some scenes. But for those of you who were only going to see this film for Diaz, you can let out a sigh since she isn’t the worst part of the film (surprisingly). That honor goes to Queen Latifah. With such shitty and hipster dialogue, it makes me blow any little bit of respect that I had for her after “Hairspray” and “Life Support” were released last year.

I’ll admit, I laughed twice throughout the film, but that was all of the help from Rob Corddry and Lake Bell. It is the chemistry of these two that keeps the movie going. Whenever the two are not on-screen together (or not on-screen by themselves), the movie takes a slow and boring turn. Their love-hate relationship is enough for me to demand that you see it at once. But the Kutcher-Diaz relationship? Yeah, you should just wait for DVD.

You have to let guys write romantic comedies. It isn’t sexist; it’s true. Especially in comedies like “What Happens in Vegas.” The film is terrible because a lady wrote the film. If you notice, MEN always complain about their wives. It isn’t the other way around. Obviously, screenwriter Dana Fox doesn’t understand that. I should have knew that beforehand, considering that epic film “The Wedding Date.” That movie… SUCKED.

You should be lucky if you haven’t seen that movie, because “What Happens in Vegas” is much much better. But that’s not hard. How in the world this made more money than “Speed Racer” I will never know.